Endless repetition of “The Girl from Ipanema”

Posted on | July 21, 2013 |

Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking
And when she passes, each one she passes goes – ah
When she walks, she’s like a samba that swings so cool and sways so gentle
That when she passes, each one she passes goes – ooh

Due to technical difficulties beyond our control (namely the computer being in and out of the shop all week), Intravenous Caffeine will not be updating on Monday July 22. Hopefully (fingers x’d) we’ll have something special for you next week. THX!

(Ooh) But I watch her so sadly, how can I tell her I love her
Yes I would give my heart gladly,
But each day, when she walks to the sea
She looks straight ahead, not at me
Tall, and tan, and young, and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking
And when she passes, I smile – but she doesn’t see (doesn’t see)
(She just doesn’t see, she never sees me…)

Photo from allmotivated.com

The Jackass–a species that will never be endangered in Texas

Posted on | July 15, 2013 |

Called back to a “Special Special” session to protect women from the sin of abortion, Texas legislators were protected by police who confiscated objects that might be thrown at them. Tampons. Maxi-pads. “Imagine the humiliation we might have suffered by being hit in the face with a feminine product,” Texas State Senator Hugh Jass said. “It’s a good thing we didn’t have to draw our weapons to defend ourselves against these marauding fee-males who want to kill babies.”

Governer Rick “Good Hair-do” Perry defended the measure. “They say that this law will force women to have illegal abortions. I say that history will prove them wrong. They’ll be forced to stay barefoot and pregnant and have them little dickenses like the Good Lord intended.”

Perry shot off his six-shooter in celebration of the law’s passage. He said that this would guarantee his place in Texas history books. “That and my record of signing 263 execution orders,” he quipped. Perry will not be seeking a fifth term as governor, but may consider a run for the Presidency in 2016. That is, if he can remember that third department he’d close.

In other news, the prosecution sighed with relief as George Zimmerman was acquitted of 2nd degree murder in the death of Trayvon Martin. “Thank goodness,” prosecutors said, “we could have gotten a manslaughter conviction standing on our heads.”

Scalp um, Swamp um, We will take um big score!

Posted on | July 8, 2013 |

While driving back from Anime Next in Somerset NJ the other week, I heard on the radio that the Washington Redskins name/mascot controversy had resurfaced. It seems some Native Americans think that “Redskins” is a pejorative! Why, all the white folks that own the club will tell you that “Redskin” isn’t a pejorative at all, never mind all those movies where it usually follows the words “dirty” or “sneaky” or “lowdown,” it ACTUALLY means noble and brave! They will cite polls (Sports Illustrated, Washington Post, Annenberg) that all say that people who claim to be of Indian descent (Why, I’ve got some Creek or Cherokee in me somewhere, said Johnny “Tonto” Depp. And back in the 60s I knew lots of girls who were re-incarnated Indian princesses) overwhelmingly approve of the name.

Why, then, do some Indians, like the National Congress of American Indians, keep protesting? Just because of a little racial stereotyping? Hey, there hasn’t been any Woo-woo-woo-woo cheers in ages. And remember, they changed the original lyrics to the fight song, what more do you want?

“Scalp’um, Swamp’um, We will take’um big score! Read’um, weep’um. Touchdown! We want heap more!”

No longer there. See? Problem solved.

Fred’n’Bert, the two squirrels who talk to me when nobody else is looking (Yee-hehehehehehe) were in the car with me (remarkably well-behaved travelers–they never back-seat drive as long as they are well-supplied with nuts–no snarky comments, please) and discussing whether or not there COULD be a name change. Their opinion was that the name could NEVER be changed to Washington Reds. Nope, not in a thousand years–uh-uh, too much political baggage! Half the time, people just call them the ‘Skins. They could just drop the “Red” part–and play shirtless in the time-honored tradition of pickup touch football games. But, not surprisingly since their main concern in life seems to be things to eat, the squirrels came up with the solution proposed back in 1992. Redskin potatos! Keep the name, just change the mascot. Everyone will be happy — sort of.

Hey–they’re squirrels–they aren’t old enough to remember!

In any case, the controversy seems to have died down again, but I have no doubt that sometime in the near future, the “Change the Name” warcry will rise again.

Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. However, in view of what most of our elected and non-elected officials deserve (Yeah, I mean you, Justice Scalia), I propose a different name, “Washington Redbutts”. It’s obvious that what a lot of people in this town need is not a good football game, but a good spanking!

And I know there’s at least one club in town that supplies ’em! Yehehe! (and it has very little to do with football 🙂 )

Hmmm, I wonder–could the basis of the rivalry with the Dallas Cowboys all be because it’s a giant grown-up game of Cowboys and Indians??? Ya think?

Hoping you all had a great Fourth!

“Argle-Bargle?” I think somebody needs a time-out…

Posted on | July 1, 2013 |

Justice Antonin Scalia has been known for use of “original intent” arguments in his decisions on the Supreme Court. Recently, he thrilled linguistic historians by his stunning use of the term “Argle-Bargle” in his dissent while discussing the merits of the opposing decision in the DOMA case. We asked Justice Scalia how he always seemed confident that he knew the intent of the Founders, even on issues that had not even arisen in 1787.

“Why, that’s simple. I use a OUIJA Board.”

“Justice Scalia–you, a Catholic, using a Ouija Board? Isn’t that rather paradoxical?”

“Why not at all, even the Pope comes to me for advice. Well, he did, until this Latino guy–imagine, the Catholic Church looking out for the poor and disadvantaged … it’s un-Christian!”

“But still–I’d always heard that use of oracles was rather heterodox.”

“Well, it might be,” Scalia allowed, “if I actually believed in it. But I usually push the planchet around to the answer I want anyway, so it doesn’t count.”

“Are you the only sitting justice who uses a method like this?”

“The only one who uses a Ouija Board. Justice Thomas doesn’t have to–he’s the re-incarnation of an 18th century Capuchin monk.”

“Is that why he’s always so quiet on the bench?”

“Yup,” said Nino. “Vow of silence. He’ll be a great wife now that we have to get gay-married.”

Edward Snowden, Sentenced to a Lifetime of Hiding for Telling the Truth

Posted on | June 24, 2013 |

Once upon a time, Adam and Eve lived in a beautiful garden called Paradise. The caretaker of the garden, a being called God, told them that everything in the garden was good and wonderful. They had dominion over everything in it, as long as they did not eat from a certain tree called the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. If they ate of the tree, God said, they would surely die.

But the fruit of the tree looked good, as everything else in the garden was, and they wondered why there should be one thing in Paradise that didn’t seem to be as good as everything else. And a serpent heard them and said, “Oh, you will not die if you eat the fruit, but you will understand good and evil, just like God.” God, it seemed, knew that there was both good and evil in the garden even though he kept saying how everything in the garden was beautiful, and kept trying to chase the serpent out of the garden, and the serpent was tired of it.

So Adam and Eve ate the fruit and lo, their eyes were opened. And they looked around the garden. And what they previously thought was all good, they now saw as corrupt. There was fruit that was poisonous, animals that killed and ate the others and maggots fed upon the remains. Yes, there was still much good, but there was equally much evil. And they were sad and ashamed, because they could no longer believe in the pristine beauty of the garden and so Paradise ceased to be. And because of this, they hated the serpent, and now whenever people see snakes, they try to kill them, whether they be venomous or not.

It doesn’t matter–it was the serpent who destroyed Paradise, they said.

I’d watch my back the rest of my life, Edward. A nation that lies about spying on its own citizens will be relentless in taking revenge upon the man who showed it. And to Nancy Pelosi and the other Democrats who think it’s OK because a Democrat is in charge–ask me again in 2016…

Disclaimer: I’ve bought things from Hong Kong and the UK during the past year (art supplies, LEDs, old records)–does that mean I’m a potential target for surveillance? Hmmmmm?

We’re back after two successful convention at AnimeNext in New Jersey and Anime MidAtlantic in Virginia. My thanks to the organizers of the events and to everyone who stopped by my artist alley table to admire (and sometimes buy) my work 🙂 And thanks to all my friends who made the events so enjoyable (too many to name!) and to all the cosplayers who had such marvelous costumes! No more conventions until August! I shall be attending Otakon in Baltimore (with art for sale in the Art Show) and will be in Artist Alley for InterventionCon in Rockville MD. See you next week!

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ABOUT MEH

Cartoons and text by Greg Uchrin (aka Gregorius alexandrinus), with the able assistance of Fred and Bert Squirrel, with special appearances by George Dymme. Published once a week on Mondays.

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